waynepygram.com: Blurt Nickelodeon Original Movie Review

waynepygram.com: Blurt Nickelodeon Original Movie Review

I'm gonna tell you upfront that this isn't so much a "review" as it is just venting in frustration. This also continues the train of thought that I've left off with Mike from the post below, and I'll probably continue this train of thought in a later post. 

But I recorded Blurt (and apparently the first episode of Knight Squad that premiered after it - that's another thing, I kinda feel this trend of making "movies" that's only an hour long to be a little lame) when it premiered on President's Day, but instead of watching it I watched Zombies instead. I guess that's my mistake, and I guess maybe I should've made more time to watch it, but my DVR ended up crashing (that was something I couldn't exactly anticipate, you know) so I lost that recording. And all of the Blurt! replays were really closely spaced together - I don't think they had any scheduled after the first week. Well, that's not entirely true - but NickAndMore! just informed me that they spontaneously cancelled all the repeat showings for this week, so, I'm like, ok. I look it up on the Nickelodeon app and on Nick.com and...it's not there. At all. You can literally watch every single Nickelodeon Original Movie in the past two years...except this one for some reason. Z-O-M-B-I-E-S (yes I'm going to insist on spelling it that way) is still on the DisneyNOW app for longer, but, well, I guess Nickelodeon just doesn't want me watching Blurt! if I missed it the first showing.

...so I'm going to grade it accordingly.

Movie Grade: Not only is it getting an F minus minus score but it's also getting our first DO NOT WATCH warning, ever. And yes, this is also the first time this blog's given a grade out of pure, unfiltered spite. So friggin' sue me. As much as I praise (some) Nickelodeon shows for being better then their Disney Channel counterparts...the network's a mess. Almost all those shows are imports (or "imports-in-spirit"), the network still treats them crappy compared to their mainline shows, and their mainline shows are for the most part just garbage. And the inflexibility of being able to watch things, at least compared to Disney Channel if not even other cable networks or broadcast, is just more garbage on top of that.

Fuck You, Nickelodeon.

If this movie warrants a grade better than a C+ I might actually give it an honest review if I ever get a chance to watch it. But given that a big punchline from the trailers is do not fart do not fart do not fart, I doubt that's the case. 

And instead of giving a Movie MVP (or LVP as the case would be) I'm also awarding a score of F minus minus and a DO NOT BUY warning to DirecTV. Yes, we're making a bold move here by specifically singling out a product and/or service and warning readers not to buy into it. Somehow I think we'll survive if they threaten to pull sponsorship. But after over two years I'm tired of their absolutely horrific and inexcusable reliability rates that often have nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with just how crappy the equipment is. Not that Xfinity is all that much better, namely in how equally horrifically and inexcusably overpriced their subpar and frustrating service is. It's in my opinion that it seems like the service to use then, if you can afford or want only one, is the one all the other cool chillin' Millennials are scrambling to nowadays - Netflix. And I know a lot of these Disney and Nick shows aren't available on Netflix, especially the latest ones - but a lot of them are, and as I explained, most of the new stuff is garbage anyway. Not to mention I'm hearing Netflix's and Amazon's own original tween/teen programming is really kicking ass in comparison. Really, it's just going to get to the point, with all this talk of "Peak TV" and all, that if it isn't on Netflix (or Amazon at least), then maybe it just isn't worth watching in the first place.

Is that what you really want, Nickelodeon?

Extra Thoughts

 - Honestly I'm not all that big a fan of Amazon's business practices either, which I suppose defaults me to recommending Netflix specifically (or Hulu I guess). They just purchased the Ring security system thingie, and given how frequently they advertise on FOX News and how all their commercials have young women as package thieves, they just strike me as...very alt-right-y (which I'm not afraid to just flat out say "is code for being neo-nazis, because they're legit neo-nazis"). Not to mention they're choking out traditional "white collar" and higher-end "blue collar" jobs in favor of remedial service jobs (package handler, package delivery...and, uh, that's pretty much it in Amazon's ideal world) and I don't think I need to tell you how literally-Great-Depression-like, unimaginably disastrous that is for the economy or the workforce (i.e. you), and yet they get heaps of praise for it, somehow (probably because they donate a lot of money, politically). And now they're moving their headquarters here where...they threaten to choke out even more good quality jobs for remedial service jobs, threaten an already fragile if not outright broken city infrastructure with over-saturated congestion, and well I guess pollute the airwaves with more insinuation that the only good job a young woman professional can get anymore is "petty package thief," probably because she can't find any good jobs that pay a buck or two above minimum wage sorting and delivering packages for 10-hour shifts because, you know, Amazon choked those out of existence. So, yeah. Maybe don't be in a hurry to sign up for Amazon Prime and all.
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